“If I go on my way without you… Oooh where would I go? I’ll always… come back to you”- Trina
“Hello” I groggily said into the phone.
“What’s up baby?”
I checked the time on my phone as I realized who voice I was hearing on the other end of the phone. It was my ex, Shame.
“What’s up Shame… why are you dialing my number at three in the morning?” I said as I slowly roused up in my bed.
“Damn, I didn’t know it was like that” Shame slowly said on the other end of the phone.
I missed him true enough but I have to be strong and is in the process of getting over our relationship. What we had is done and it could never be. My trust for him has been thrown out of the window, but the love for him was still tugging on my heart.
“That’s what’s up Shame, that’s good to know… But just as you are missing me, you are missing your hoes too… so kick rocks with that shit. That shit is not working this time.” I knew that I was lying to myself I broke up with him just a few weeks ago so I can’t just get over him just like that. It’s not that easy. I was wondering why I couldn’t let go and move on. He was the one wrong… not me. If only he would stop calling.
“Baby, just come see me. I just want to see you. I just want to talk. We don’t have to have sex.” Shame said anxiously into the phone.
“Who said that we were going to have sex Shame?” I said as I climbed out of my bed.
“I didn’t say we were. Now you are taking things out of context. I just want to see you.”
Although I was upset and heartbroken over him cheating, I wanted to see him too. I wanted to question him on the Jennifer girl and his baby mama. Especially, after all that we have been through together. We rarely argued or ever fought. I really had love for him. He was the first person I had actually had a sexual relationship with and cared for. In spite of him having a son on the way that is due any day now, I looked passed that. Only to find out that he is still fucking the bitch, and fucking this Jennifer girl and who knows who else. And I am the victim who is feeling sorry for him and our relationship; and wanting to mend things and get on with our lives. But just like Tyrese said in Chingy’s song, ‘Every time I try to leave something keeps pulling me back, me back telling me that I need you in my life. Every time I try to go something keeps telling me that, me that every things gone be alright.’
I checked the time again. It was now 3:45 a.m.; he knew I was off tomorrow therefore he knew what he was doing when he called me at three in the morning with that ‘I miss you’ shit. Clinging on to my thoughts, I held the phone up to my ear blocking out Shame voice.
The thought of Shame wanting to see me made me realize that I haven’t had sex in a few days and it was weighing on my mind. As much as I was fed up with Shame shit… I still was in need of some dick. I’m not the type of girl who would just lay up with any niggah. So with Shame being my ex… I still wanted to give him the business. The devil on the left side of my shoulder said was saying ‘Fuck that shit girl, use that niggah. He want you, you are supposed to be the Baddest L.K.B. bitch! Use that title to its full advantage!’
All the while, the angel on my right side was saying, “Let go and let God, let go and Let God.” Of course with me being the person that I am, I agreed with the devil.
“So what you gone do? You gone come see me?” Shame asked with pity in his voice.
I sighed saying that I will be there in about thirty minutes. After hanging up the phone with Shame, I asked myself what I have gotten myself into. I brushed my shoulder length hair into a pony tail and turned off my bedroom light. As I walked down the hallway near my front door I glanced at myself in there mirror as I grabbed my phone, my keys and stepped out the door making sure it was secured and locked.
As I drove to Shame’s grandmother home out in Brainerd, I thought about turning around. Foolish enough, I didn’t. As I neared the Germantown exit, I felt my heart race even more. I couldn’t believe I was going to see him after what I have been through the past few days…
“Girl, Shame is cheatin’ on you”
I held the phone to my ear as I heard my girl tell me the news. I felt some shit was going down, but who am I to say that it’s true or not? Females in Chatt always knocking each other, there was no official real bitch in this city that I have come across. Hell I wouldn’t even consider myself real either. Truth be told.
“You know dis chick name Jennifer Cane who went to my school. Well rumor has it dat Shame been fuckin’ ha, his baby mama, and some otha hoes.”
“So how did you find this shit out?” I asked Shay as I switched the phone to my left ear to put on my earring.
“You know hoes can’t keep their mouths or their damn legs closed ‘round here. Once they get some otha bitch dick, then it’s a wrap. Gums go poppin’.”
I knew Shay from around the way. We use to work together down at Steak and Shake. Although Shay was gay and at times bi; I grew to respect her and that was then that we grew a sisterly bond.
“You know those bitches be talkin’ shit Mya. They told me not to tell you, but you my mothafuckin’ sista; they had me fucked up. I don’t know who they think I was but you know me. To hell with the shit, if dat niggah cheatin’ on you then you have the right to fuckin’ know. Fuck dat bullshit dat they talking.”
I could picture Shay on the other end of the phone with her hands on her hips, rolling her eyes and popping her lips. I was in dismay about Shame cheating on me. Even though I felt the shit coming, but damn why like this? How could he? I knew he was up to no good, I felt that from a mile away. Instead I wanted to ignore that woman intuition that I was feeling and give him the benefit of the doubt. Now here I am, on the phone with my home girl in my ear telling me about Shame and his shit.
“You know what,” I said as I put on my shoes “I remember him mentioning the Jennifer girl because I asked him about her. And he said that she was his best friend.”
“Best friend Yemya?” Shay asked into the phone. “I know you couldn’t have believed that shit.”
I felt foolish. How could I have been so dumb to the fact that Shame been cheating on me. How could I be so damn blind? I thought about the times that I had let him use my car. I remembered hearing about him buying his baby mama roses and a bear for Valentine’s Day; having the roses trailed from the sidewalk to her door. The phone calls, the text messages, the hearing from him every so often… how could I have been so careless?
After the phone call from Shay, my life with Shame started to unravel. Jennifer instant messaged me on Facebook. She introduced herself and how she knew Shame. Jennifer told me that she and Shame did sleep together but only once. How she knew he was in a relationship but he told her that he wanted to be with her and didn’t want to hurt my feelings. Come to find out Shame would tell Jennifer one thing but does totally the opposite with me. He told Jennifer he loved her and that he wasn’t with me. As the conversation continued to unfold, Shame began to call me telling me not listen to Jennifer all the while telling Jennifer not to listen to me. I was furious…
Hearing the horn blowing behind me, I snapped back into reality then sped through the green light. Contemplating on if I should go through with seeing Shame, I passed the Walgreens, turned a right on Gillespie, pulled into the gravel in front of a row of duplexes. I inhaled slowly pulling out my phone. I scrolled down to Case of da EX and sent a text letting him know that I was outside. After pressing send, I exhaled slowly, leaned back in my seat, closing my eyes…
I thought about the first time that I had met Shame; my best friend hooked us up. The moment we had met I was attracted to him. From his swag and the way that he wore his dreads. I would even joke to him about him remind me of Tupac with hair. After a couple nights of talking on the phone, we decided to go on a date for us to get to know each other. Shame, Andreyia, Kenny and I went on a double date to a scary house not far from the city. Upon arriving, I noticed the silliness in Shame’s behavior to the way that he touched me sent currents of sensations through-out body. From the way he said “Come fly with a real niggah and lay on my cloud and make it your pillow.” There was something about Shame just peaked my interest. He was different.
The first time we had sex, we were chilling in the Brainerd Recreation Center parking lot in my car. Shame started kissing me on my neck. Rubbing me on my thigh, slowly inching towards my pussy; I was getting heated by the moment. Never have I been touched in the way that Shame was touching me. Neither have I been in a real relationship. Feeling the touches of a man hand touching and kissing me in places that I has never experience before is something I have never had. And yet he was just only touching me through my clothes.
Slowly Shame slid his hands through my shorts, caressing my clitoris with his fingers. Not leaving a trace of his lips off of my neck. I started to shutter in his hands. Not once have I ever felt this affect from someone. Not once have someone tenderly touch me in places I forgot that I even had.
I felt Shame insert one finger inside me, slowly feeling around for my g-spot, maneuvering his finger in and out of me as he massage my clit; opening it up enough for him to glide another finger inside of me. I didn’t know what to do. Should I moan? I thought. The shit was feeling so good I couldn’t do nothing but to open my legs wider. His touches ignited my body bringing my soul to life, I wanted him more. I wanted to know what it felt like to have a man glide his dick inside of me. Sucking on my neck and breast, caressing my ass as he thrust his long hard dick inside of my swollen pussy… I have never experienced that feeling. And tonight, tonight was the night that I wanted to know what it felt like to be fucked…
Jumping, I heard a knock on my window. Startled from being shaken out of my thoughts, I looked around realizing that I was in front of Shame’s grandmother house. I turned my head and looked to my right, seeing Shame peering through my passenger side window smiling. Seeing him after the confrontation made my heart skip a beat. I wasn’t for sure if that was a good thing or a bad one. Part of me wanted to curse him out and knock the shit out of him. The other half want to break down and cry. After being together for nine months I emotionally attached to Shame. I was hurt and even though my expression didn’t show it at all. My thoughts triggered my emotions a mile a minute.
I pressed the unlock key to the passenger side doors to let Shame in. He opened the door and slowly got in. Turning his head to face me, he had the biggest smile on his face.
I looked at him as he held that stupid grin on his face; I wondered what the hell he was smiling about. I couldn’t believe the cheating Shame has done and bullshit that he has put me through. The mothafucka want to smile. I was flabbergasted at what I was seeing.
“What’s up baby? I miss you” Shame said with a sincere voice.
“You miss me Shame? Do you even realize what has been going on these past days? Do you? Obviously you don’t! Are you fucking some girl named Jennifer? The same fucking girl that you said was your best friend? The shit that you have been going back and forth between us Shame… Really? And you want to smile and say that you fucking miss me” I was beyon pissed and was about to light it up on some shit. I hadn’t seen him since Shay told me about Jennifer. And he was confronted about the shit. Hell, I didn’t want to see him then but something told me to see him now. Yet I still don’t know why I am here.
“Yemya, you gone believe that dumb shit over me?” Shame asked.
“I got the damn messages you sent the girl Shame when you was sending me messages at the same damn time. Who is foolish ‘cause it sho’ in the hell ain’t me…” My alter ego was revealing herself and wasn’t about to play no games. The way I said my vocabulary change and so did my attitude. I was officially 38-hot.
“Baby… just hear me out” Shame pleaded as he reached for my hand.
“There is really nothing to say Shame… what more can you say other than what’s been said.” My voice was calm, and as he held my hand, I look at him. I wanted to erase the past few days. As much as I wanted to… my mind couldn’t. Not just yet.
Shame leaned in close kissing me on my lips. As quick as the thought came to pushing him away and leaving… it faded. I melted under his embrace as we kissed each other as if our lives depended on it. Every angry thought, every angry feeling became numb to my body as everything that I thought that I hated about Shame seems to dissolve.
Until flash backs invaded my mind; voices became attuned in my head. I opened my eyes and saw myself falling hard all over again over Shame. I found myself in this world called ‘Bitch wake up and smell the damn coffee!’ As much as I wanted to imagine myself having that feeling back that I once had with Shame… I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t put myself through it anymore. Easing myself away from Shame and my lip locking moment; I thought to myself… what the hell was I doing?
“Shame… look I need to go. I can’t do this.” I stated as I positioned myself back in the driver’s seat.
“What you mean Mya? I love you girl… we have a chemistry that’s so strong! I know you just felt those currents and your pussy was getting wet too!!” Shame laughed as he reached over the arm rest to caress my thigh.
Pushing his hand away, my focus turned from looking out the front window to Shame’s grin appearing on his face. “What tha’ fuck!” I said as I felt myself getting angry. “You think this shit is cute Shame? You think you can run game on me just because we were together? I’m done Shame… don’t try to be slick and slide your way back in like everything is cool!?”
“What!…! See that’s that shit I be talking about. Why you come her Yemya? If you ain’t tryin’ to fuck wit a niggah den why are we sitting in your car hugged up; kissing and shit? I thought we left that bullshit in the past.”
“I just wanted to see if you was what I wanted Shame… I can’t put myself through this love rollercoaster with you anymore. I just can’t do it. It was a mistake that I came out here any damn way… I don’t know what the hell I was thinkin!”
“You was thinking bout us Mya…”
“Shame I need to go… So could you please just leave.” I pleaded as I started my ignition indicating that I was serious.
Shame glanced at me, shaking his head as he sucked his teeth. “Aiight Yemya…” he said as he opened the front passenger door slamming it without looking back. I sighed, tilting my head back against the head rest saying a silent prayer. Seeing him walk into the duplex, I sped off thankful that my mind is in fact stronger than my heart